Today? Today I'd like an Apple Caramel Martini!

Why? Because I feel like one! Over the last several weeks, my world has been so dark, that no matter how much light was shining, my vision would not catch it. Tears ran dry and my hope was hopeless.

But I'm done for the day. I don't want to be that dark ever again.

So today, I will endulge in a sweet apple caramel martini and enjoy a nice menthol cigarette on my balcony, pushing my hope in to the universe that has deserted me. I will feel the rush of great things coming and I will enjoy the moments it presents.

On the street car yesterday afternoon, my friend tells me, put out a good energy into the universe, it will come back to you in a positive way. Bullshit, I said, the universe hates me right now. I pushed out there that I would not struggle financially to pay my mortgage and that I would be not be laid off. Well fuck me sideways, what happened? I got laid off and have struggled to pay my mortgage! What communication is that from this wonderful universe you boast about my dear friend?

She laughed, then shrugged, I was right. I beleive there is only a small fraction of the positivity you put out there in this so called universe that comes back to you. The rest is for you to work hard to get what you want and for God/the diety/whatever you believe in, to open some doors along the way.

I believe in fate and the diety. I work my ass off and if they don't want me to have something, I won't get it. Bottom line. Is how it works in my world.

till next time!

On a day like this, ice cold cosmopolitan please with lime!

I slept all day, trying hard not to think about the reality of my life at the moment. No job meaning no income and a mortgage to pay. I want to flip the script so bad. I have cried so much that when I got to that point yesterday, I had no tears, dry heaves is all that came.

In an effort to help me my friend has given me a copy of the Alchemist. I have yet to pick it up and get the motiviation to read it, even though i know it will help. Perhaps I will soon...

I came to the safe place we all go to when we feel helpless, a place that makes us all feel safe and comforted, where all our problems seem to have a solution. Our parents. Mom or Dad, no matter how much they annoy us or bother us or whatever us, there is always a sense of comfort when they are present. I am here, in the comfort of my parents castle and am thankful that they are such beautiful people.

The weather is hot outside, so I am gonna go make myself an ice cold cosmo and see if I get a tan!

I begin in desperate need for a Gin Martini with 3 olives!

At this first post, I must say I introduce myself under not so good circumstances.

I have lost my job as many others have and am running out of money to pay for my condo. The city stinks and I'm angry. I'm picking fights with my friends and spend most of my days crying and looking for work. How is it that I worked 10 years to save up to buy a house and at the blink of an economic eye all my dreams and goals feel like they are shattered?

Lost sleep, increase tobacco intake and more than usual consumption of alcohol just so I can sleep. I'm a social worker, I know temporary depression when I see it, even in myself!

So then I think, "You're such an idiot. There are people out there who have food to put on the table for their children and are struggling!" Am I selfish? Am I to remain positive despite this automatic switch that has ignited inside me to cry at the slightest gesture of kindness that I percieve as pitty? I am the helper, not the helped. Where do I stand at this pathetic point in my life? What can I control and what must I accept?

Many many thoughts and concepts cross my mind all day, everyday and I confuse myself too. I break it down and analyze it and think "what would I do with a client who brought these thoughts to me?" I must learn to take the therapy I would offer.

Too much on first blog? Thanks for reading anyways....stay tuned